It’s that time of the year again. We’re less than three weeks away from the 2016 NFL Draft and every talking head in the media is on their ninth mock draft. Not to be left out, The Greg One is back doing what started as a gag and has become a tradition, my Raiders MOCK draft. Bagging on the Raiders never goes out of style and I will lovingly take the opportunity to do so every chance I get.
On that note, let’s take a look at the team that evolution forgot and see who the Raiders will select in the NFL Draft this year:
Round One: The Roman Colosseum
This is probably the most no-brainer pick the Raiders have ever made. They have no long-term lease at any stadium. They were left out of the race for Los Angeles and they have to wait second in line behind the San Diego Chargers for the opportunity to speak to the Rams about moving into Kroenke-World next year.
Why build a stadium when you can draft one, right?! Said Raiders owner Mark Davis, “This is a great opportunity to move into a stadium that is rich in history, was a place where Emperors sat on high and gladiators did battle with lions on the field! Our team will draw from the energy of those warriors and we will win!! I’m excited to bring Raiders football to the fans in Georgia!”
Amidst the raised eyebrows and other team executives chuckling into the elbows of their business suits, a microphone picked up NFL Executive Vice President of Football Operations Troy Vincent leaning over to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell and saying, “He thinks the colosseum is in Rome, Georgia! The Colosseum is in Rome, Italy! It’s decaying stone, no indoor plumbing and structurally unsound…” Said Goodell to Vincent….
Round Two: Jabba The Hut, offensive line.
With this pick the Raiders eliminate the need for a five-man offensive line, saving money for improvements for other parts of the team. Jabba is the offensive line. Huge, bulbous and mean, it will take defensive linemen too long to go around him. As a result, the quarterback will have plenty of time to throw. The only issue to work out in camp will be just how Jabba will snap the ball. More importantly…
Where will the quarterback place his hands?
Round three: Referees
What better way to win a game than with your own referees? The Raiders skewed logic once again seeks to begin trends as they become the first NFL team to draft officials. (And you thought taking a punter in the first round was a bad idea…). Every year the Raiders seek to outdo themselves and it looks like they’ve succeeded.
Round four: The Kardashian sisters, not-so-tight ends
No collective group of women have been responsible for the demise of more athletes and performers than the Kardashian sisters. Also known as “Black man’s kryptonite,” the Kardashians have already emasculated Reggie Bush, Lamar Odom, Ray J, Kanye West, Miles Austin, Nick Cannon, Matt Kemp and James Harden, just to name a few.
The sisters would line up backwards on either side of the line of scrimmage in a two-tight end set with their bulbous asses facing the bulging eyes of the 90% black populous of the NFL. While the opposition stands drooling and hypnotized, the offense will be able to score at will. In return, they save money because the Kardashians will be willing to work for free since they already have more money than the NFL and they will be able to feast on NFL studs every week.
Round five: Mexico
After the one-year lease on O.Co stadium ends after the upcoming season, the Raiders will, again, be without a place to play, so why not draft one? In his interview post-selection, Mark Davis was quoted as saying, “Go big or go home! We did better than drafting one little city, we drafted a whole country, son! Recognize! Avacados and Tequila for everyone! Viva La Mexico! YEEEEHAAAAAAWWW!”
Round Six: The Waterboy, middle linebacker
During the draft, the Raiders war room turned on the TV to watch game film. They saw the story of an inspirational player that destroyed every player on the field in spite of his lack of brains and a speech impediment. This player was so great the fan base only called him by his nickname. The Waterboy. After they picked their jaws up off the floor, they filled out the draft card and high-fived each other until they all got tennis elbow over how the rest of the league missed on this guy…
Round seven: Bill Cosby, equipment manager
Because someone has to man the Gatorade for the visiting team. Why not a well-known celebrity? (He already looks like the man on the helmet). You may not want to expect much from the post-game press conference from the other team though… In other news, the Raiderettes have decided to quit and go to the Jerry Springer show, where they’ll be safe…
There you have it, the 2016 Oakland Raiders MOCK draft. As always, these will be better picks than the Raiders themselves will make. They can feel free to bring me on as an expert scout for an exorbitant fee. I will supervise the Colosseum move myself free of charge.
Rust in pieces, silver and whack….
The Greg One
We’re less than two days from the Houston Texans being on the clock in the 2014 NFL Draft. Lots of moving and shaking will be done but one thing will be evident, the Oakland Raiders will always find a way to mess it up. The Raiders have their usual table in the draft top 10 lottery. Sitting at number five this season and while sure-fire, blue chip, can’t-miss prospects will be there, don’t underestimate the Raiders ability to ruin a wet dream. With that in mind, I took a look at their draft board. They are better picks than I expected but they will find a way back into the draft top 10 lottery in spite of them. Without further adieu, here is your Oakland Raiders draft class of 2014.
Rest in pieces, Raiders.
First Round: Jamarcus Russell, QB
The Raiders made a call to the league to make sure they could have an exception made for them so they could draft Russell. Their biggest bust is making a comeback and wouldn’t you know it, the Raiders need a quarterback. Transcripts from the call to the NFL league office went something like this:
OAK: We want to draft Jamarcus Russell.
NFL: You did draft him. In 2007.
OAK: I know, we’re drafting him again.
NFL: You don’t have to draft him. He’s a free agent.
OAK: It’s what Al would have wanted. It’s a Raiders thing, you wouldn’t understand! RAIDERS BABY!! RECOGNIZE!! WEST SIIIIIIIIDDDDEEEEE!!
OAK: RES PECT MAH AUTHORI TAHHHHHHH!!!!
NFL: Is this….Cartman?
According to Raiders logic the good news is, at 315 pounds Russell can play left tackle AND quarterback at the same time! One less position to pay.
Second Round: Maxwell The Pig, RB, Geico
With Darren McFadden on the injured list longer than Derrick Rose, the Raiders find themselves in need of a reliable replacement at running back. Maxwell is a great fit for the Raiders. He didn’t have a recordable 40-yard dash time because he kept running in circles than in a straight line. ‘It’s just him showing off his elusiveness.’ said one Raiders executive. ‘What he lacks in size he makes up in slipperiness. We plan on greasing him up and BOOM, instant touchdown! Just win baby…’ the exec continued. You still have to ask the question, exactly where is he going to carry the ball and will his shouting WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE while he zips down the field going to be flagged as taunting? Hmmm. One thing is for sure, he will have the hottest wife on the team.
Who has four hooves and just got drafted by the Raiders? THIS GUY!!
Third Round: Miss Cleo Special Teams/Offensive Coordinator
With Miss Cleo in the fold, they can make sure they’re always in contact with Al Davis. Miss Cleo will be used in the war room to speak directly to Davis, ensuring the Raiders will always know who to pick. With that in mind, Miss Cleo will be the first draftee in the history of the NFL to be signed to a lifetime contract. The Raiders also plan on using her as a dual threat, utilizing her fortune telling skills in the press box as an offensive coordinator. She will always know what the other team is doing, thus knowing what plays to run.
P.S. Upon further review, the Jamaican Miss Cleo was found to be from St. Louis and he 800 number was exposed as a fraud. We’ll just keep that to ourselves….
Call now for your free reeeedin!!
Round Four: Aaron Hernandez, TE, Bristol County House of Corrections
The Raiders want to make sure they own the rights to Hernandez and he definitely fits the Raiders mold. Wannabe gangster? Check. Taking selfies with his glock? Check. Trying to beat a murder case? Check. In Hernandez, the Raiders have their tight end of the future, somewhere between five years to life.
Round Five: Nate the Play 60 Kid, QB, 1st grade
The Raiders are looking to improve long term in this draft as well. The Raiders watched the tape (the commercial with Cam Newton) over and over, taking copious notes on how Nate warmed up. They observed how carefully he loosened his arm and could hear the passion in his voice when he spoke of becoming Cam’s momma’s favorite player. Can’t teach passion. Nate projects to be ready to start at the beginning of the 2030 season.
Round Six: The Old Spice ladies
The Raiders cheerleaders are suing the team for wage theft. According to the L.A. Times, the cheerleaders make $125 per game, which barely covers gas if they have to drive the 405 to get to work. The pittance they make breaks California Labor law and there is a case pending to hear the hotties in court. This just goes to show, the Raiders can’t even PAY people to take and interest in them.
In the meantime, the Raiders are going to need someone to take their places and the answer comes courtesy of Old Spice. The Old Spice ladies sing of their sons becoming ladies men before their very eyes with voices that can peel wallpaper. They’re not as hot as the Raiderettes but they do sing better than the Raiders play. So there’s that.
Round Seven: Darth Vader, DE, Galactic Empire. Vader is listed at a stout 6’4, 230 in the Raiders ‘Drafting for Beginners’ manual. His strengths are the abilities to keep his hands at pad level, being able to intercept a pass by stopping the ball mid-flight and using telekinesis to bring the ball to his hand, mind tricking the opposition, killing without remorse and moving surprisingly well for a man who wears a heavy cape everywhere he goes. Vader will be used to mind control opposing quarterbacks and in the event he gets injured, there are already many in the Oakland crowd dressed just like him so they can easily be subbed into the game without anyone knowing. Shrewd.
So, the Raiders should earn a draft grade on par with what they’ve done in past years with their drafts. Can you possibly have a grade worse than an F? Can we give them a G? There’s actually no point in grading them, the NFL should just move them into the Canadian Football League and ‘forget’ to tell them. They would never notice the difference outside of playing what seems to be a lot more ‘cold weather’ games.
Here’s to us, Chargers fans. No matter how bad things get, know it could always be worse. we could have been Raiders fans.
The Greg One