It’s that time of the year again. We’re less than three weeks away from the 2016 NFL Draft and every talking head in the media is on their ninth mock draft. Not to be left out, The Greg One is back doing what started as a gag and has become a tradition, my Raiders MOCK draft. Bagging on the Raiders never goes out of style and I will lovingly take the opportunity to do so every chance I get.
On that note, let’s take a look at the team that evolution forgot and see who the Raiders will select in the NFL Draft this year:
Round One: The Roman Colosseum
This is probably the most no-brainer pick the Raiders have ever made. They have no long-term lease at any stadium. They were left out of the race for Los Angeles and they have to wait second in line behind the San Diego Chargers for the opportunity to speak to the Rams about moving into Kroenke-World next year.
Why build a stadium when you can draft one, right?! Said Raiders owner Mark Davis, “This is a great opportunity to move into a stadium that is rich in history, was a place where Emperors sat on high and gladiators did battle with lions on the field! Our team will draw from the energy of those warriors and we will win!! I’m excited to bring Raiders football to the fans in Georgia!”
Amidst the raised eyebrows and other team executives chuckling into the elbows of their business suits, a microphone picked up NFL Executive Vice President of Football Operations Troy Vincent leaning over to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell and saying, “He thinks the colosseum is in Rome, Georgia! The Colosseum is in Rome, Italy! It’s decaying stone, no indoor plumbing and structurally unsound…” Said Goodell to Vincent….
Round Two: Jabba The Hut, offensive line.
With this pick the Raiders eliminate the need for a five-man offensive line, saving money for improvements for other parts of the team. Jabba is the offensive line. Huge, bulbous and mean, it will take defensive linemen too long to go around him. As a result, the quarterback will have plenty of time to throw. The only issue to work out in camp will be just how Jabba will snap the ball. More importantly…
Where will the quarterback place his hands?
Round three: Referees
What better way to win a game than with your own referees? The Raiders skewed logic once again seeks to begin trends as they become the first NFL team to draft officials. (And you thought taking a punter in the first round was a bad idea…). Every year the Raiders seek to outdo themselves and it looks like they’ve succeeded.
Round four: The Kardashian sisters, not-so-tight ends
No collective group of women have been responsible for the demise of more athletes and performers than the Kardashian sisters. Also known as “Black man’s kryptonite,” the Kardashians have already emasculated Reggie Bush, Lamar Odom, Ray J, Kanye West, Miles Austin, Nick Cannon, Matt Kemp and James Harden, just to name a few.
The sisters would line up backwards on either side of the line of scrimmage in a two-tight end set with their bulbous asses facing the bulging eyes of the 90% black populous of the NFL. While the opposition stands drooling and hypnotized, the offense will be able to score at will. In return, they save money because the Kardashians will be willing to work for free since they already have more money than the NFL and they will be able to feast on NFL studs every week.
Round five: Mexico
After the one-year lease on O.Co stadium ends after the upcoming season, the Raiders will, again, be without a place to play, so why not draft one? In his interview post-selection, Mark Davis was quoted as saying, “Go big or go home! We did better than drafting one little city, we drafted a whole country, son! Recognize! Avacados and Tequila for everyone! Viva La Mexico! YEEEEHAAAAAAWWW!”
Round Six: The Waterboy, middle linebacker
During the draft, the Raiders war room turned on the TV to watch game film. They saw the story of an inspirational player that destroyed every player on the field in spite of his lack of brains and a speech impediment. This player was so great the fan base only called him by his nickname. The Waterboy. After they picked their jaws up off the floor, they filled out the draft card and high-fived each other until they all got tennis elbow over how the rest of the league missed on this guy…
Round seven: Bill Cosby, equipment manager
Because someone has to man the Gatorade for the visiting team. Why not a well-known celebrity? (He already looks like the man on the helmet). You may not want to expect much from the post-game press conference from the other team though… In other news, the Raiderettes have decided to quit and go to the Jerry Springer show, where they’ll be safe…
There you have it, the 2016 Oakland Raiders MOCK draft. As always, these will be better picks than the Raiders themselves will make. They can feel free to bring me on as an expert scout for an exorbitant fee. I will supervise the Colosseum move myself free of charge.
Rust in pieces, silver and whack….
The Greg One