Watching Mike McCoy’s press conference Monday made me more irritable than watching the Chargers lose another close game against the Miami Dolphins. It was more irritating than watching the anarchy after the presidential election. So for all you protesters of firing McCoy…..
You now have my vote.
Every question during said press conference, seemed to be answered with the preface, “Like I’ve been telling you from day 1…” Yes Mike, you have said the same thing over and over again since the beginning and look where your team is at?
Clearly he does not listen to himself nor reviews his press conferences afterwards. The reason I know he doesn’t?? Nothing seems to change.
I have been giving McCoy a very long leash up until now. I like the man and felt that he was handed a bad product; a product that is always injured and broken – like a Christmas toy that your dad has to become MacGyver in order to get it to work again.
And I still feel this way….to a point. In Sundays loss to Miami, the Dolphins exploited the rookies and sophomores. They knew what we had and punished us for it. Philip Rivers had an awful day, one that I am sure he would agree with. From the onset of the game, there was no continuity between him and his receivers – even with Antonio Gates.
The makeshift defense has done as well if not better than expected. With all the injuries in the defensive backfield, the secondary is playing well due to the dominance upfront with the likes of Brandon Mebane, Melvin Ingram, Joey Bosa and Jatavis Brown. Although last week, with not as much quarterback pressure and always worried about the run game, the weak secondary was peppered with blown coverages and missed tackles. Furthermore, their performance, for the most part, in the second half has been nothing shy of depressing. What happens in the locker room at halftime? Isn’t part of the job of John Pagano and McCoy to inspire and motivate the players to continue their supremacy?
Let’s get back to the press conference.
One of the head coach’s remarks was about how the mistakes prior to the 4th quarter is just as big and bothersome as the mistakes made in the last 15 minutes of play. Question after question was brought up about the late let down and Mike continued deflecting those questions and making excuses for bad play earlier in the game.
Hey Mike? Let’s agree to disagree.
Sure there are spots during a game where San Diego has missed opportunities to take a commanding lead, or at least be the cog and shut down any momentum created by the opposition. However, since Mike has been wearing the Charger visor, the team has been awful in close games (8 points or fewer) with or without the lead heading into the final frame. Take a look at these numbers:
Since the 2013 season and through last week’s game, the Bolts are 15-23 in games decided by 8 points or less. For you statisticians, that equals a 39.47 winning percentage.
Now of those 38 games, San Diego was leading at the end of the 3rd quarter 15 times (7-8 record) and behind 20 times (6-14 record). I understand those numbers don’t add up for all you following at home. So let me add that three out of those 38 games they were tied (2-1 record) heading into the 4th quarter.
Closing out games, in my humble opinion, is just as important as controlling the game in the early onset. In fact I will go out on a limb and say that the last quarter is the most crucial. Every team makes mistakes; blown coverages, missed throws, turnovers…etc. Those are bound to happen. In fact, the likelihood of any NFL team playing a “perfect” game is as minuscule as the chances of me dating model Ashley Alexxis.
The simple fact is that not many times is an NFL team going to be blowing out their opponent every week; hence why it is vital to be able to have that “closer” mentality.
Speaking of dominant closers, perhaps Coach McCoy needs to watch San Diego Padres game where Trevor Hoffman comes in and shuts down the opponents. Trevor, one of the best closers in all of baseball, was so dominate and fearless when he came out to “Hells Bells,” that even when he got older, hitters were still in fear of facing him. But that is what a closer is supposed to do. The team battles all game to lead late in the game, and the closer shuts it down.
It would be fantastic if McCoy would stop repeating himself about what he has “…been telling us from day 1.” We know this team has not been able to put the clamps on the opposition in the final quarter. My question, if I were allowed in the press room, would be this:
What are you going to do about it Coach?
Because clearly McCoy is either so obtuse that he is not aware of this lack of productivity in the final moments of the game, or he has tried for three and a half seasons and nothing has worked. The last time I checked, the Chargers play in the National Football League; professional football teams take the field every game. Is there any one team that if they are behind heading into the last quarter, just plain gives up? These players are playing for a starting position, a bigger contract, a long-term contract…etc.
Whether it is holding onto a lead, or trying to dig out of a hole, the simple fact is that this Chargers team, since McCoy took over, CAN NOT CLOSE OUT GAMES.
Sure, the coaches do not take the field – the players have to execute. However whose job is it to make the right play calling? Whose job is it to encourage and be positive around the players to ensure they will continue to fight for the whole 60 minutes? Whose job is it to make sure the players are in the right position to execute?
To have your play calling questioned after so many games is getting tiresome. Perhaps it is time to admit that McCoy just does not have what it takes to close out games. If he did, if he had the aggressive confidence the team needs, San Diego’s record would be more around 9-1 or 8-2, rather than a pathetic 4-6.
I know most of you anti-McCoy constituents have been feeling this way for a while now. I am big enough to eat crow and admit that this just isn’t the massive injuries, or the lack of execution causing the team to fail. There needs to be a change, otherwise this team will not change.
One possible solution: Bring Hoffman in to coach in the fourth quarter of every game. He can even wear a visor backwards if he wants.
Thanks for reading
Brian “Big Kahuna” Scott
The fall season is upon us and many around the globe are rejoicing in the change of the season. For those who aspire for change, one needs to just breathe in the autumn air – breathe in fresh hope. Opportunities are no longer looked at as futile, they are viewed as worthy of accomplishment and realistically within reach.
For sports fans, this season brings us baseball playoffs, the beginning of basketball and hockey while placing us right in the middle of the NFL football schedule.
For those lovers of horror, fall also brings Halloween; a tradition steeped in scary music and movies.
Being a horror enthusiast myself, I have spent all October basking in new and old horror movies; entranced in the scare and the music that enhances each killer moment. All over the internet, anyone can find a website or blog with the writer’s favorite horror movies. In my opinion, the scariest thing I have seen this October?
The San Diego Chargers offense in Sunday’s loss in Denver.
How many times, in cheeky horror movies, do we see opportunity after opportunity for the potential victim to escape the psychotic killer, only to stay in and lock the doors and hide in a closet. When this occurs, the viewer usually screams “RUN YOU IDIOT!! RUN!!”
Were there any Charger fans yelling that at the television late in the game Sunday??
Avid horror viewers constantly see chances the victim has in escaping the evil assassin. Week 8’s loss in Denver, there were numerous chances for the Chargers to escape yet, just like the “dumb blonde” in the movies, they failed miserably.
A running into the kicker penalty, a dropped potential pick-six, first and goal on the Broncos two yard line, defense creating countless three-and-outs; all major opportunities to escape and turn around the plot – where the prey becomes the slayer.
Regarding the play-calling or the lack of execution, when it comes to making critical decisions in a state of panic, can we really sit back in our comfy chairs and criticize? How many of us have been stalked by the likes of Michael Myers or Jason Voorhees? Furthermore, how many of us have coached in the NFL?
Like myself, most of us would say that without a doubt, we would run as far away as possible and never return to our home if the creepy knife carrying murderer would not leave. In addition, most Charger fans would have elected to run the ball with time running out and an opportunity to score from two yards out – yet in an intense game full of emotion, can we really say we would make the right choice?
In my opinion, Mike McCoy and Ken Whisenhunt suspected that a tough Denver defense was looking for Melvin Gordon to run. Gordon had been piling up yards and has already shown to have a nose for pay dirt – so running Melvin was obvious from everyone watching the game. With that line of thinking, what they did was counter with passes; one which if not overthrown, Antonio Gates would have had added another touchdown to his resume. Unfortunately, coaches are not able to possess hindsight and neither are the seemingly brainless victims in slasher films.
John Pagano and his defense handed the offense a chance to wreak havoc in Denver, time and time again Sunday. They allowed the door to remain impenetrable for the serial killer to get through – yet the stooge somehow continued to slip and fall. With an arsenal of talented weapons to escape Sports Authority Field with a victory, the Chargers fell even harder to the AFC West cellar.
So what happens now with the killer still out there and the injured victim who is lying on the floor of the cellar, seems to have lost all hope?
“Just get back to the lab. Just keep working….” – Melvin Ingram
Let’s hope the Chargers offense gets reanimated as they head towards the second half of the NFL season. At 3-5, San Diego desperately needs life to be pumped back into the staff and personnel if they want to cheat a certain death; a playoff-less season.
Brian “Big Kahuna” Scott .
There comes a time when repeated tragedies occur, that you throw up your hands and bellow out a sarcastic laugh or bow your head and give it a good hearty shake.
Week 3 is now in the books and so is the third Charger player to be out for the season due to an injury in as many weeks.
Misery certainly does love company.
After an MRI on Monday, it was officially announced that Manti Te’o is out for the season with a torn Achilles.
The “Next Man Up” mantra that has been utilized by the Chargers for the past few seasons might need to be changed to “Next Man Down.”
Despite the loss of the defensive captain, the Chargers (1-2) also lost another game where they had a chance to win in the end.
Circling around social media last night and Monday morning, there are many that have blamed Philip Rivers, Hunter Henry, Mike McCoy, Melvin Gordon or Josh Lambo for Sunday’s 26-22 loss to the Indianapolis Colts on the road.
Sorry, but I am not going to dignify a response for blaming a kicker whose job is to kick field goals and extra points – not to prevent a rusher from getting a chance to block a kick.
From the early onset of the game, the vibe and tone set by the team was extremely sluggish. The fire and passion that resonated through the first half of Week 1 against Kansas City and the entire Week 2 victory against Jacksonville seemed a distant memory.
Rivers was not the elite quarterback that fans have grown accustomed to watching, missing many targets with passes that were too high, too hard or simply off the mark. The fierce competitor that he is, after the game he admitted to the poor performance and execution of his game – even singling out his biggest mistake of the game. “Of all the plays I missed today, I wished I got the one to Travis (Benjamin) on 3rd-and-2 because we were running that thing down. We may end up with it in our hands at mid-field, and I just missed it…”
Indeed, it was one pass that if completed, the rest of his errant throws would have been forgotten. It was a crucial play that could have possibly secured the game, forcing Indianapolis to use their timeouts and dwindle the game clock down.
Chalk it up to a bad game for the offensive and team leader.
One player in particular took the loss solely on himself:
Gotta take this one on the Chin!!! I Loss the Game …..
— Jason Verrett (@Jfeeva_2) September 26, 2016
No, Jason, you alone did not lose this game. And might I add that your humility is a breath of fresh air and one of the reasons why you are a fan favorite.
It might be true that Jason Verrett was beat often against a very good wide receiver in T.Y. Hilton on Sunday. Equally important to note is that in no way shape or form is the loss all on his shoulders. Game after game the Pro Bowl cornerback has shut down the opposition’s best wideout. It was just a bad day for the talented corner – occurring on a day where others experienced lousy games, as well.
Moreover, it was not Feeva’s fault for being on the sidelines during a potential game-clinching 4th-and-7 play with less than two minutes left in the game. Brandon Flowers was covering Hilton and instead of playing him up close, Flowers gave T.Y. a four-yard cushion where he made the easy, wide-open catch at the first down marker, falling forward to ensure the call was a simple one. Flowers has been playing exceptionally better this year than last, and was one of three players that I mentioned on this site to have a great impact this season. It is unfortunate that this crucial play has his named associated with it.
Melvin Gordon was held in check by Indianapolis, who came into the game ranked as the worst rushing defense in the NFL. Clearly, the Colts knew about this dubious honor of theirs and studied a lot of film on the second-year starter. It was clear to them that “Flash” loves to run in between the tackles and does not improvise as much as an elite back would. Perhaps it is his style, or perhaps it’s his youth that explains why he runs the way the play is designed to, without recognizing other outlets.
Gordon did, however, hit pay dirt again for the fourth time in three games and continues to punish those would-be tacklers. The Chargers fans are very excited about his play thus far. His ability to get into the endzone, his potential, especially if he learns from his mistakes, and how high his ceiling is reinforce the fact that the excitement is justified.
The second-round draft pick of 2016, tight end Hunter Henry, received the starting nod to take the place of the future Hall of Famer Antonio Gates. Hunter had five catches for 76 yards and looked like he could be the heir apparent of Gates as he levied space between him and the defender, moving the chains on several occasions. Although, it is hard to remember those precise routes and great hands due to his late game fumble that ended any last-ditch efforts for a comeback.
Yes, the Bolts still had a chance to win the game. Yes, the fumble ended that hope. However, it should not have come down to that one play, nor is it the dubious “play that lost the game.” Hunter is a talented rookie and as you could see his reaction on the sidelines he was devastated.
As upsetting as it was to watch the game slip away, my heart went out to him and I wondered what encouragement he would receive. Then I saw Gates call him over and give him a veteran pep talk.
By now, most fans who watched the game or have seen the highlights know about all the following miscues: dropped punt, missed catches, missed throws, fumbles…etc. Let us not take too much time dwelling on those players, because it was not one single player nor single mistake that helped in the loss on Sunday. It was the collective faux pas of many.
McCoy expounded on my thoughts when he stated after the game, “There are a number of plays you look at; missed opportunities through the entire game. It’s not just one drive or one series. There were a number of opportunities we had, where we didn’t make the plays today.”
To further McCoy’s point, it was not just those mistakes, which during a loss are enhanced and nit-picked, but it was also the penalties. Those yellow flags are thrown often during NFL games, legitimately or otherwise, and this game would see 20 of them – 10 for each team. It has been instilled in many young athletes that a physical mistake is easier to forgive than a mental mistake. Having your named called out by the men in pinstripes is a mental mistake, showing a lack of discipline more often than not. That being said, at least two of those “phantom calls” would cost the Chargers points in the end.
Several times those penalties either killed a drive or allowed the Colts to continue theirs. Whether the call is obtuse or astute, it is difficult to gather momentum when the game stops for a penalty.
When all’s said and done, with massive blunders and penalties, San Diego still had a chance to win the game. Even with the defense unable to stop the aging wonder who is Frank Gore, collectively they were able to sack Andrew Luck twice, forced two fumbles (recovering one), scored a touchdown and had an interception. Thus far after three games, the defense has logged six total turnovers — four interceptions and two fumbles.
In 2015, the Chargers secured only 11 interceptions and nine fumbles for the entire season. Furthermore, Rivers has yet to throw an interception, which has contributed to San Diego being at plus-2 in the turnover department, ranking 5th in the AFC.
It was, without a doubt – a sloppy game but one that San Diego should have and could have won. As stated previously, with the poor play at key moments by positional players, and the horrid and massive amount of penalties, the game was still within reach in the waning moments. However, in order to take this team to the next level, a game like this is one that the Chargers needed. A victory would have given then team confidence to win close games and perhaps string a few victories together to gather momentum. After all, the Bolts have not won back-to-back games since November of 2014.
Let that last sentence sink in for a bit.
The Chargers will return home to Qualcomm Stadium in Week 4 to face the New Orleans Saints. This game will provide the Bolts a prime opportunity to get back on track, possibly evening out their record to 2-2 against a Saints’ team that struggles defensively.
Here is to hoping that the Chargers do NOT lose another key element to their roster for the fourth consecutive regular season week in a row.
Please comment below on what miscue, by players or non-players, was the main contributor to the loss in Indy.
Thanks for reading.
Brian “Big Kahuna” Scott
It’s week three and the Chargers are on the road. Here are my three things they must do to have a happy flight home
1.) Get Hunter Henry involved
Antonio Gates is out this week due to his ankle so it is the Chargers second round pick time to step up. Henry has one catch on the season for 20 yards and that came in week one vs the Chiefs in the second half. Used mostly as a blocker, Henry will be a huge reason why the offense moves and needs to be implemented as a legitimate pass catching threat.
2.) All aboard the Gordon train
Weird coming from me, I know, but Melvin Gordon looks far better this season than he did a year ago. He is making quick decisions, holding onto the ball (simultaneously knocks on wood) and has cut down on the stutter stepping, although still does this at times. His vision has improved and he is fighting through arm tackles. He is, for the most part, what Telesco moved up to get a year ago. Keep his mojo going and hand him the rock and hopefully he continues his recent success.
3.) Contain Luck, contain the Colts
Andrew Luck has been turnover prone since joining the league in 2013 and taking over for Peyton Manning. Since then, the Chargers have faced him once, beat him, picked him off once and held him to less than 300 yards passing. Whatever worked then, do it again. The Colts are without Donte Moncrief and Jason Verrett is most likely going to be on T.Y. Hilton, unless Hilton goes in the slot. The Colts don’t have the playmakers they once have, but no NFL team should be taken lightly.
What do you guys think? Let me know below and go bolts!
Zak Darman (@WilMyersGOAT)
On Monday another crushing blow to the Chargers 2016 campaign occurred when it was announced that Danny Woodhead would be lost for the season. Compounded with the loss of Keenan Allen last week, a huge void has been created in this offense.
Enter Dexter McCluster who the Chargers wasted no time finding as a solid replacement for Danny. Formerly with the Tennessee Titans and Kansas City Chiefs, he is a capable and dangerous weapon who could be the best in-season pickup the Chargers have had in a long time.
Dare I say this – McCluster may be a better weapon for Rivers then Woodhead was. That’s only if McCluster has the same speed and shiftiness he had in KC/Tenn. The best part of this signing is Dexter knows Whisenhunt’s offense since he played for him in Tennessee. McCluster should easily be a situational player who has the versatility to make an impact in the running game, passing game and a return specialist. The Bolts haven’t had this kinda flexibility since the days of Darren Sproles.
To some, there might be some concern as to why he was on the free agent market. In Tennessee, he was third on the depth chart behind DeMarco Murray and Derrick Henry and thus he was released on September 2nd. A tryout with the New York Jets and 18 days later, the Chargers timing seems fortuitous as they inked him right away.
With his adaptability to fit into any role, it is anyone’s guess as to how McCoy will utilize the 28-year-old. Clearly he has huge shoes to fill in replacing a player like Woodhead, but perhaps with the right coaching staff and supporting cast, his career and usefulness could get a major jump. So far in his career, since being drafted by Kansas City out of Mississippi, he has not been “the guy” to build a team around. However, he appears to be a self-aware player who believes he can make an impact in any role he is given. All he needs is open space and the rock in order to showcase his speed and elusiveness.
If you’re not familiar with Dexter, here’s some highlights of his years with KC and his last year with the Titans. Enjoy!
Thanks for the read
Before you get out the torches and pitchforks and start hunting me down, allow me to explain how Danny Woodhead’s knee injury could actually be used as a positive from this point on. Don’t get me wrong, I really like Danny. He is a very good running back; extremely valuable as a runner, a receiver, and a blocker for Philip Rivers. He has had a fine career with the Chargers and I am sad to see him lost for the season. I know what you are thinking. “If he is so good, how can his injury be a positive for the team?” Allow me to explain.
With losing Woodhead for the season, Head Coach Mike McCoy and Offensive Coordinator Ken Whisenhunt will be forced to become better, more aggressive coaches. If you watched the week one game against the Chiefs, you saw that the play calling was completely differently in the second half than in the first. In the first half, the 2015 first round draft pick Melvin Gordon was given the bulk of the load and pounded the ball down the field. Twice he even got into the end zone. He looked like a completely different back than he was last year.
In the second half, Gordon’s role essentially vanished. Woodhead’s number was called upon for almost the entire second half. Why Woodhead? Because he is trustworthy. Coach McCoy remembers the fumble issues that Gordon had last season and did not want to risk a turnover in a game where the Chargers had a big lead. So, Gordon to the bench and Woodhead on the field; playing a role that does not suit him — the “every down back”.
Delayed draws out of the shotgun formation became the play of the half as they went with it time and time again. Although Woodhead was able to move the ball fairly successfully for much of the half, he was unable to punch it into the end zone. His presence did not make the defense fear the run, so pass coverage tightened up and pressure on Rivers picked up as well – a bad combination to say the least. We all know how that game turned out. McCoy and Whisenhunt played timid, cautious offense in an attempt not to lose. This plan did not work and KC made it all the way back to win the game in overtime.
Let’s move to last week’s game against what most people consider a team going in the right direction, the Jacksonville Jaguars. Again, Gordon started out getting the majority of the carries and punished the Jaguars’ defense play after play. Woodhead was doing what he does best. He was basically a third down back who can protect the quarterback and catch outlet passes out of the backfield. Unfortunately, one of those passes lead to his knee giving out, tragically ending his season.
Melvin Gordon, that’s what! McCoy and Whisenhunt had no real choice but to keep Gordon in the game, even with a big lead, and letting him pound the rock. He continued his effective play and actually tallied his first 100 yard rushing game in his short NFL career. Oh, and by the way, he hasn’t fumbled yet! That second half should go far as to gaining trust from the coaches moving forward.
As long as Gordon stays healthy, there is no reason to believe that he cannot be trusted to keep defenses honest and take a lot of pressure off of Rivers. If Melvin continues to be as effective as he has started out, this could be a classic story of someone going from goat to hero in one season. A story that might never have been told if Woodhead was still there to allow McCoy and company to play it safe.
Of course this goes without saying, but Gordon can’t play every snap for the entire game. That would be asking to get him hurt. So who else can step in to give Gordon a breather? Let’s take a look:
Kenneth Farrow: Farrow had a very nice preseason and earned his way on the roster. With Woodhead’s injury forcing him on the field against Jacksonville, Farrow carried the ball four times for a total of 13 yards. Not an earth shattering debut, but it is a very small sample size. What fans need to remember is that the impressive numbers he put up in the preseason were against second and third string defenders; running vanilla game plans. If he gets the call, he would be facing the best of every opponent. The sledding will be a lot more difficult. Time will tell if the Bolts have a player in Farrow.
Andre Williams: Personally, I’m excited to see what this kid can do. He is a strong, bruising back who can get the short yards that are so important on third downs and late in the game. Last season his production tailed off significantly which is why the Giants let him go. Before that, however, he had a good rookie campaign. The team from America’s finest city is hoping that the Giants made a mistake and will catch lightning in a bottle.
Dexter McCluster: McCluster is the guy the Chargers brought in to replace Woodhead; capable as a runner and receiver. He is also a solid kickoff and punt returner. He is fast on his feet and so quick that he often makes people miss. Obviously, he has not played at the level of a Danny Woodhead, or he would not have been cut by the Chiefs and the Titans. My hope is that he will play as a full-time kick returner so that starting wide receiver, Travis Benjamin, can give up that position and avoid unnecessary collisions. With Keenan Allen out for the season, it is vital that Benjamin stays healthy.
This week, the Chargers play the league’s 32nd ranked defense against the run – the Indianapolis Colts. This is another golden opportunity for Gordon and company to get many carries and gain even more confidence. We have to face the facts: Danny Woodhead is done for the year. He is also on the last year of his contract, which means that there is a very good possibility he will not be back with the team next season. The Bolts need to learn how to call plays and win games without the trustworthy, scrappy Woodhead. If they can do that, his injury will go down as the reason San Diego left the ranks of pretenders and became true contenders.
Thanks for reading. Please leave your comments below, I’ll get back to you ASAP. Go Bolts!!
In what was a surprising move to many fans and media pundits, the Chargers released kicker Nick Novak in favor of undrafted free agent Josh Lambo.
What a web they weave.
Despite Novak being the second-most accurate kicker in Chargers’ history, he has been replaced by an unproven rookie that has yet to kick in a game that matters.
What does this mean for the Chargers?
From the looks of things, the team fell in love with Lambo’s ability to crush the ball on kickoffs. His ability to make clutch kicks in the Arizona game certainly helped his case.
Novak was Mr. Consistency with the Bolts, making 74 of 83 field-goal attempts; good for a mark of 89.2 percent. Novak also connected on all 115 extra-point attempts with the Bolts.
So why did Lambo win the job?
Confidence and a long leg.
Lambo has shown during the offseason and preseason that he has the leg to drive kicks with optimal power. The majority of his kickoffs during the offseason have been deep into the end zone. His clutch kicks under pressure, apparently, showed the organization that he was the man for the job.
Yes, I am surprised by the release of Novak. I am not alone in that thinking.
Gambling on Josh Lambo will be a point of contention among fans for the upcoming season. Novak is a fan favorite.
Will the gamble pay off?
Only time will tell.
Thanks a lot for reading.
It’s that time of year again. Yes, we know it’s time for the draft in less than 36 hours. What I’m referring to is what has become a yearly tradition since year one of BoltBlitz, my annual Oakland Raiders mock draft. For the uninitiated, refer to the BoltBlitz archives for the previous editions. There’s always no time like the present to lay the beatdown on the Raiders. Even with a high draft pick every year, they will find a way to screw it up. I take all the guesswork out for the Raiders and make their picks for them.
Miley Cyrus, running back
One hot mess deserves another. Ms. Miley is already Raiders ready looks-wise. Mohawk? Check. Attitude-wise she is spoiled, entitled and about five more years from a Behind-The-Music special. Sounds like the Raiders front office. She instantly makes an impact on offense as a tailback. She can distract the defense with her high pitched caterwauling or she can teach the offensive line to twerk in hopes of gaining yardage because the opposing defense is on the ground, holding their sides in laughter. Just win, baby.
The Kool-Aid Man, fullback
Picture the scene at the podium as the Commissioner reads the pick. As he scans the room, you can all of a sudden feel a rumbling both audible and vibrating underneath your feet. As the tension reaches its nadir, the Kool-Aid Man bursts through the NFL Draft backdrop yelling his trademark OH YEAH. The 6’6, 300 lb. specimen is so elated he can’t control the cherry flavored juice spilling out of his dome, ruining the Commissioners suit. The hard part is going to be finding a set of pads that will prevent breakage but the Raiders feel he will be invaluable in short yardage and goal-line situations.
The Raiders picked a punter in the first round in 2000. That makes it evident that no one in the building is safe when the Raiders are on the clock, including the Commissioner. At 56, the Commissioner seems to be a bit old to be playing professional football to which a Raiders staffer replied ‘Look at Brandon Weeden, that guy is two years away from a mid-life crisis.’ Touche. They make a good point. Weeden does have a bald spot you could land the Space Shuttle on but Weeden is not on trial here. By securing Goodell, the Raiders aim to use his powers to swing games into their favor by issuing arbitrary rules during the game. I.E. ‘Andrew Luck is not allowed to pass in the fourth quarter.’ If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying. It’s the Raider way.
Sources confirmed that the only thing more shocking than reading his own name on the Raiders draft card was the fact they took until the third round to pick him. ‘I’m already your best offensive player’, Goodell was overheard saying over a mic that was still hot. The above picture documents he offered a dollar on the spot to any rookie in the room to take his place on the Raiders roster. No one accepted.
Emmet, Wide Receiver
Just one name like Madonna, Cher or Prince. Emmet. Emmet can catch anything thrown his way and never fumble with his specialized kung-fu grip. (Now, to get the Commissioner to pass three inch footballs on gameday…) Emmett serves another just as important task as he automatically becomes the one person capable of building the Raiders a stadium! Everything is Awesooooome!
Doctor Octopus, Quarterback
The Raiders break their arms patting themselves on the back when they select Doctor Octopus to be their quarterback of the future. Said a Raider executive, ‘The man has six arms! We could score 42 points on one play! Wheeeeeeeeee!!!’ That quote says two things: the Raiders still can’t do math but maybe they have a point. If he can beat Spider Man he should be able to beat Peyton Manning.
Phil Jackson, Coach
The Raiders continue to push the envelope now by drafting people from other sports as they welcome former Lakers and Bulls head coach Phil Jackson. No one in football seems to want to coach the Raiders so why not basketball? Jackson has eleven rings and would be the perfect man to restore ‘The greatness of the Raiders.’ That’s if the Raiders played basketball. Good luck running the Triangle offense on a football field…
Russell Westbrooks’ wardrobe
Two words. Alternate uniforms.
If the players on the field aren’t distracting enough, a blinding new uniform should stun everyone’s eyeballs long enough to ensure easy touchdowns. As long as the Raiders are wearing the uniforms, they don’t have to look at them. Genius.
There you have it. Seven picks that will pan out better than what the Raiders will actually pick during draft weekend. Rest in pieces you face-painted, spike wearing, parking lot jumping, Darth Vader wannabes.
The Greg One
In the last few days the available free agents who were being courted by many teams, including San Diego, appear to have a final destination that is not in America’s finest city. It appears Ndamukong Suh is headed to Miami and Randall Cobb has re-signed with Green Bay; both of whom were reported to be targets for the Chargers. A few players that could make a huge impact on our offensive line have also been retained; Doug Free is back with Dallas and Derek Newton signed a huge contract to remain a Texan. In fact, with the Newton contract, free agent Bryan Bulaga with the Packers will be seeking a massive payday; one that might be out of reach for the Bolts. So what player will Tom Telesco be targeting now in order to make an immediate impact on our depleted offensive line?
Michael Gehlken of UT San Diego recently sent this tweet out:
Chargers have serious interest in Broncos OL Orlando Franklin, per sources. Deal can come as early as Tuesday: http://utsd.us/1Hdb0hK
Not to beat around the bush, but I want Orlando Franklin in San Diego. A selfish reason is that I am tired of seeing Charger players head out to play for arch-rival Denver, so it would be a sweet payback to take one of their own. Clearly that is not the only reason Telesco should make a huge effort in signing the 27-year-old.
Orlando, the 2011 second round draft pick from the University of Miami, stands 6’7” and weighs 320 pounds. One of his strengths is his versatility. For his first three seasons with Denver he played right tackle; last year starting at left guard. During the 2013 season, Orlando was a main reason Peyton Manning was honored with Offensive Player of The Year as well as earning another MVP. For the 2013 season, according to Pro Football Focus, Franklin led all tackles in pass-blocking efficiency.
It was a risky move switching a man not only from the tackle position to the guard position, but from the right side of the line to the left side – something that is hard to adjust to unless you are extremely adaptable. According to ESPN writer Jeff Legwold, prior to last season, Denver’s running game to the left side gained less than 2.5 yards a carry; a major reason why the move was made. With mixed reports of what San Diego plans to do with D.J. Fluker, keeping him at RT or moving him to RG, Franklin will be able to fit anywhere on the line.
Another extremely positive attribute Orlando possesses is his durability. Out of a possible 64 games with Denver, Franklin started and played in 63 of those. We all are very aware of the injury bug that plagued the Chargers front-line last season and it would be a welcoming change to have that kind of resilience.
With the strong need to not only protecting Philip Rivers and provide him time to go through his progressions, opening up holes for the run game will be vital if San Diego wants to get back to supremacy. Having a player like Orlando Franklin sporting a lightning bolt would be as important as the re-signing of Brandon Flowers.
- Brian “Big Kahuna” Scott
After 11 seasons and two Super Bowl winning seasons, the New England Patriots have decided against picking up the contract of defensive tackle Vince Wilfork. The 6’1” 325 pound beast posted this on his twitter account, @wilfork75, this morning:
A classy act by a mainstay in New England. Vince is 33 and has dealt with injuries over the last few seasons, however he continues to be a dominant force on a line that is so good at stopping the run. Wilfork was due to be paid 8.1 million this upcoming season, after he restructured his contract before the 2014 season. In fact, Vince was ready to walk away from the Patriots, however he had a change of heart and wanted to remain in a place and system he has known his whole career – beginning when he was the 21st overall pick of New England in 2004.
Of course here in sunny San Diego, the NT position is one that is in desperate need of fulfilling. With a big body in the middle, taking on double teams most of the time, Vince would be giving Corey Liuget something he’s been wanting for a while; a chance to go one-on-one with his guy. Allowing Corey to have this type of match-up, he will almost guarantee many hours spent in the opposing team’s backfield; disrupting passes, getting sacks, and getting the running back before he gets to the line. On top of that, with Wilfork’s dominance, he would be able to open up space for our linebackers, to come in hot; something this defense lacks. Remember Jamal Williams? How he created gaps for both Shawne and Shaun (Merriman and Phillips) to come in and do what they did best? Now, imagine Manti Te’o doing the same with Wilfork leading the way.
Vince will be looking for a similar payday as he was expecting this year in New England. Is a 33-year-old defensive lineman worth that? Without a doubt, he is worth it. Having Vince bring his veteran services to a young, up and coming defense is something that is priceless. He would not only help mentor the line, but as stated previously, he is still a major force to be dealt with.
Come out of the cold Vince. Bring your family to America’s finest city. Help bring San Diego to the next level and maybe, just maybe, win one more Super Bowl.
– Brian “Big Kahuna” Scott
(Thanks to levelupfantasy.com and galleryhip.com for the pictures)